


I'm Sorry Lena

by Ace_And_Alone



Series: They're not ok [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alien Bar (Supergirl TV 2015), Angry Lena Luthor, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotions, F/F, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Identity Reveal, Kara Danvers Has PTSD, Kara Danvers Has a Crush on Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara Danvers Tells Lena Luthor About Being Supergirl, Kara needs therapy my dudes, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Lightweight Kara Danvers, POV Lena Luthor, POV Multiple, Pansexual Kara Danvers, Sad Kara Danvers, Sad Lena Luthor, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Swearing, Useless idiots, and im sorry for this, im sorry, shes so many kinds of fucked, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-02 20:46:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17270846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ace_And_Alone/pseuds/Ace_And_Alone
Summary: "I'm... I'm so sorry Lena" Kara replied shakily. That wasn't what Lena was expecting. She thought maybe Alex had ditched Kara on sisters night again, or Winn and James had gotten hurt being stupid and playing hero. Not an apology."For what darling?" Kara was wearing Lena's MIT jumper. She had stolen it last movie night, vehemently denying it of course. It was worn and faded, but Kara said it made feel safe and warm and it reminded her of Lena and then she didn't feel lonely. Lena had been so touched she had refused to get the jumper back, demanding Kara keep it.Kara fucked up, and she's facing the consequences. And now, instead of trying to fix it, shes allowing the onslaught and diving deeper and deeper into a bottle and burning bridges. She deserves, it's her fault anyway.





	1. She's Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> More angst! Yay!  
> Hope you guys enjoy!

Lena's hair was loose of it complicated updo, now it hung loosely around her shoulders. Her shoulders were coiled tightly with tension, and her head was roiling with anger.  _'3 hours being belittled by old, white guys, filled with misogynistic male superiority, thinking a girl can't run a damn company.'_ They had tried to intimidate and push Lena into some crap deal with Lord-Tech, to get her some more money. She had enough of that to send her grandchilds' grandchild to university. She didn't  _need_ more money, the selfish bastards did. It was some shitty "vaccine" for aliens, probably filled with poison. So no, she hadn't agreed, which had bought on the onslaught of  _'she's a woman, she doesn't understand'_ _'we can buy her out'_ and 'she's _a woman, she'll listen to a real man'._ Lena couldn't believe the absolute ego of some of those absolute delinquents. _She_ was their _boss_ , and they treated her like a child. It didn't matter though. She had rightful evidence to fire 50% of them for embezzlement and 30% for suspected corporate espionage. The other 20% could stay, they were... ok, and hopeful the fear of unemployment would make them behave. Lena smirked, she couldn't wait to see their faces when she fired them. It would be glorious.

The elevator stopped with a decisive  _'ding',_ quickly pulling Lena from her thoughts. The lobby was dimmed, Jess must have gone home.  _'It was,'_ Lena glanced at her watch ' _11:46 after all'_. God Lena was exhausted. She wanted to burn these damn heels and crawl into bed. She pushed her door open and walked into the cold room. The lights were one, her desk was still covered in a ridiculous amount of work and a half finish coffee cup was on the table. Exactly the same. Well, almost. She didn't remember leaving a dark figure balancing precariously on the railing of her balcony. Lena slowly pulled the mace from her purse, and edged towards the glass door. The figure was staring outwards, unmoving. Their back was hunched and slouched, a grey jumper pulled tightly around them, hood up. Lena slides the door open, wincing at the hiss it made. The person didnt move, they just kept looking over National City. It wa quiet tonight. No bank robbery or fire, no kittens in trees and no Supergirl. Lena turned towards this person, mace held tightly in her hand. 

"Hello?" She asked carefully. If this person was dangerous, she'd prefer not to be attacked right now. The person turned to her voice. Crystal eyes looked up at Lena. Kara. It was Kara. She pulled the hood down, her blond hair was tousled and messy, her eyes were red-rimmed and dark. She looked... sad. No, she looked down right devastated and broke, actually. 

"Kara! What are you doing here?" Lena stepped forward quickly, all self-preservation replaced with fear and concern for her best friend. Kara turned her head back towards the City. She was silent for a couple seconds.

"I was waiting for you. But you had a  meeting and Jess said you would be a while, but I need to talk to you so I waited." Her voice was quiet and soft, the words felt careful and fragile.

"Darling I was in a meeting. Did you wait long?" Lena reply, gently placing her hand on Kara's cheek. She was ice. Full on, North Pole ice. "Kara your freezing!"

Kara replied with a gentle "hhmm?", as if she didn't completely comprehend the fact that soon frostbite would set in if she didn't warm up.

"Kar, come on let's get you inside," Lena said slowly, placing her hands on Kara's shoulders. The coldness coupled with the fact Kara was still sitting quite dangerously on the railing of a 163-floor building, was making Lena nervous for her friend. 

"Oh... Ok," Kara whispered, her hands wrapping around the railing, twisting her legs back towards level ground. Lena placed her hand over Kara back, ushering her back into her office. Something was definitely wrong with Kara. Kara was never... quiet. She looked completely shattered right now and Lena wanted to know who had broken Kara like this. Who had made one of the strongest people Lena knew look so damn small and weak. Lena pulled Kara towards _"the most uncomfortable_ couch _in the world_ ," as Kara had called it. She pulled the soft pink blanket off the back and wrapped it around Kara.

"Darling what's wrong? What happened?" Lena asked gently, trying to catch Kara's eyes. The blonde woman though was electing to stare unseeingly at the floor. Her eyes were glazed and pale.

"I'm... I'm so sorry Lena" Kara replied shakily. That wasn't what Lena was expecting. She thought maybe Alex had ditched Kara on sisters night again, or Winn and James had gotten hurt being stupid and playing her. Not an apology.

"For what darling?" Kara was wearing Lena's MIT jumper. She had stolen it last movie night, vehemently denying it of course. It was worn and faded, but Kara said it made feel safe and warm and it reminded her of Lena and then she didn't feel lonely. Lena had been so touched she had refused to get the jumper back, demanding Kara keep it. 

"I lied. I lied Lena and I am so fucking  sorry." Kara swore. This must be bad. But what could Kra lie about? She was the most honest and thoughtful person Lena knew. Hell, her job was, to tell the truth, she's a reporter it's kind of the whole point. Lena was quiet for a moment, looking at Kara's face. She was pale and sunken. Her eyes had dark circles under them. She was tired. 

"About what Kar?" Curiosity was a right bastard sometimes.

"Everything. I lied about everything," Well, that was very unexpected.

"I... what?" Everything was a lot to lie about.

"At first I wasn't allowed to tell you. The DEO didn't trust you and I pretty much told them to go fuck themselves, which didn't end well. But I knew if I told you, you would be in danger and that was the last thing I wanted. Then it blew over and they started trusting you and we got closer and I wanted nothing more than to tell you but... I was scared. I was scared you would hate me and I'd lose you so I told myself I was protecting you, which is a load of bullshit. I was protecting myself because I was selfish and just wanted to keep what we have and the thought of losing that... losing you terrified me. So I hid and I kept lie and now... well i fucked up with James and the kryptonite and you have every right to hate me. You can scream and shout and call me every name in English and Gaelic and Latin and French and i will let you because I deserve it. I deserve everything to throw at me because it's all my fault. And Lena i am so, so fucking sorry for everything I did. I don't blame you for hating me. I'm just... sorry Lena." The words started carefully but became more rushed and prominent, they felt important and bold and Lena didn't understand. She was crying now, though. Big, fat tears were rolling down Kara's face, her eyes... her eyes looked broken. Like a shattered mirror, cracked and fractured. Like the roiling emotions in her soul had boiled the sea, like a dead crystal. The bright cerulean blue was gone, once filled with hope and love looked so beautifully destroyed, and Lena didn't know what to do. But she didn't like the pressing fact, pushing to be known but hidden behind denial and disbelief.

"What are you saying, Kara?" Her words were watery and soft. Quiet, so quiet. She didn't want to know. She didn't want to know that her best friends, the person that had dragged her from depression and loneliness into a real family and friends, into happiness and life was the person that betrayed her the most. The person that had lied and gone behind her back and destroyed something good because of their own selfish need to be untouchable. She didn't want the best person she knew... to also be the worst person she knew. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be. 

"My name is Kara Danvers Zor-El. I am an alien refugee from  Krypton. I am Supergirl. And I'm sorry."


	2. She's Angry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena's angry. Of course, she is. Years, literally years of lies and deceit. What else is she supposed to do but yell? So she does. She yells and shouts and screams until her throat is red raw and her face is bright red and she can't think of anything else to say (which is a lot as she speaks 4 languages). And Kara, sweet traitorous Kara, accepts it all. She sits and listens and cries and believes every hurtful and shitty thing Lena says. In hindsight, Lena knows she was just angry and sad and didn't mean anything she said. But she did say it. And Kara heard. And fuck everything just got 20 times worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, swearing will happen. Just. More and more ok? Ok.  
> I got such an overwhelming message of "YES GOOD MORE PLEASE" that I am now writing this. And thank you so much for everyone who commented. It made me so damn happy to see people actually liking my fic and wanting more (I'm slightly worried about the people who wanna be hurt, you guys ok?)  
> Umm so yeah, thank you so much and enjoy chap 2!!

It was quiet. Lena liked the quiet. Quiet meant she was alone, and Lena liked being alone. She could read and drink wine and watch stupid TV shows. She was alone, for a long time. She didn't like being alone then. But a blonde reporter grinned her way into Lena's heart and god damn shes never wanted to be alone again. She never was, actually. Kara was always inviting Lena to game nights, or movie nights, or to the bar. Or when Alex ditched Kara to have a date with Maggie, Kara would call Lena all teary-eyed and who was Lena to say no to coming over? Only a monster could resist Kara's pout. That pout could stop an army by its self, no need for super strength or laser vision.

Anyway, it was quiet. Lena was staring at Kara. Kara was staring back at Lena. Kara had glistening streaks of tears still streaming down her cheeks, her eyes were red-rimmed and watery. Her hair was mussed and knotted, and she had pulled Lena's jumper tighter around her self, an impossible feat really. Lena was just staring. Kara was Supergirl. Supergirl was Kara. Kara flew around and fought criminals and aliens. Kara saved Lena's life. Kara was bulletproof and strong as hell and could  _fly._ But it didn't make sense. Because that meant that Kara was Supergirl, and Supergirl lied. Supergirl had James go behind Lena's back. Supergirl betrayed Lena. But that also meant that Kara had lied and pretended to be human. Pretended to be  _just_ Kara Danvers. The realisations were swirling around Lena's head, a dizzying tornado of thoughts and feelings running around Lena's skull. 

_Well...fuck._

"Lena I'm so f-fucking sorry I didn't tell you I j-just-" Kara started, her words garbled and watery. 

"How could you?" Lena cut off the rambling. She didn't want to listen to Kara stutter and waddle through another apology. She couldn't. Not right now.

"The DEO-" Kara tried. Her shoulders her hunched forward, her face was downcast and shadowed. Her words were weak at best, but her body language gave away that even she didn't believe the lies she was still telling. Lena could see Kara was broken up at this, she could see Kara was already carrying guilt and pain. She didn't care.

"Oh fuck off 'the DEO'! I know Kara Danvers, and I know she does what she thinks is right! She follows her heart before her head, because it's who she is! She is thoughtful and kind and my best fucking friend! She would have told me if she really wanted to if she really believed I could be trusted! You are...You're a lying bastard. At least Luthors don't hide,  _Supergirl!"_ She spat the words like acid, like a poison. She was standing now. Lena was gone, now Miss Luthor, CEO billionaire who bought down shitty self-entitled old guys for fun was standing in front of Kara. Her arms were crossed, a metaphorical shield protecting herself.  

"You think I'm... _worse..._ than a luth-"  Kara straightened up at that, the force of the words pushing the kinks from her spine. Lena saw the impact of her statement swimming in Kara's eyes; A stream of black running through crystal water. 

"Oh, I think you're despicable. I think all you've done for 2 fucking years is lie, and lie, and fucking lie. I think you're worse than my brother. He killed dozens because he was stark raving, god damned _mad_ , you did it because... well you don't really have a reason, do you? So yes, I think you're worse." Lena was mad. No, she was absolutely fucking furious.  _2 fucking years._ But she was hurt too, so she felt the need, the bone-deep Luthor-like desire to hurt back.

"Lena please, I'm sorry-" Kara stood up, still crying. She wrapped her hands around her midsection. It looked as if she was trying to hold herself together.

"Oh, do shut up. 'Sorry' isn't going to fix anything Kara! You've had a million chances to tell me! And you didn't, 'sorry' isn't going to fix that! How could you go behind me! You're the one that stood by me when the entire world thought I was no better than a Luthor. You did. And yet you still think me no better than my brother, and use my boyfriend to sneak into my lab! Now how can I see everything you've done as more than a lie? Do you remember what you said to me in the DEO, when I gave you the kryptonite? "You have gall, lying to my face" and my god even you have to see the irony in that. You're a manipulative, lying bastard, Kara Danvers. I just... I cant. Get out. I don't want to see you again." Lena started at Kara. Her arms were crossed, her posture was stiff. She wasn't negotiating now. Lena could feel her emotions toiling in the back of her head. She didn't care. She couldn't be bothered for sanity right now. 

"I.. Lena," Kara tried, stepping towards Lena. She looked so small then. Like she would collapse in on herself at any moment. 

"Out. Now. Don't come back." Her voice was steely, tight. It bounced off the walls and rattled with Kara's bones. She nodded and walked towards the glass door. It was still open and the wind was starting to lick at Kara, it was icy and sharp. Kara stopped just out of the door and turned back slightly,

"Goodbye, Lena." She whispered, her voice soft and tiny. She bent her knees and she was off. She was gone. Kara, Supergirl, her bestfriend. She was gone. Lena fell back into her desk chair.

"Good going Lena. She was broken and she apologised and you shouted in her face. Because that will fucking fix everything won't it. You fucking-  _leathcheann*!"_ Lena didn't remember a lot about Irland; It was cold, there was a lot of open fields, and insults (leathcheann being one of many). Lena stood and walked towards her liquor cabinet. She decidedly poured 4 fingers of whiskey and swallowed it. She favoured the burn, it pulled her mind from the thought of tear-filled cerulean eyes and mussed blonde hair. Kara wasn't ok. Lena could see that as clear as day. And yet, she had screamed and said some stupid shit and pushed the knife further. Kara fucked up, and she knew it. She obviously felt guilty, and yet Lena had let her anger control her.

_fuck_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Angry Lena and Sad Broken Kara was fun to write.  
> I absolutely fucking promise I'll update ASAP with a reaction from Kara. Oh and, Lena's not the bad guy here. Really, she isnt. She sad and hurt (completely understandable) and this Supercorp angst is killing me god damn.  
> THERE WILL BE A HAPPY ENDING OR MY NAME IS NOT SOPHIE OK  
> I have a Tumblr if you guys wanna check that out: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thatgirlwholikessupergirl


	3. She's Sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara's fucked up.  
> Her brain won't stop thinking, despite the alcohol.  
> And they aren't good thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uh- sorry?  
> Its been a while, but I've just figured out that I update this fic when I'm in a bad mood so like...  
> Is it good or bad when I update?  
> Wh knows.  
> Anyways.... enjoy!!

Kara never really liked alcohol. Until... until Mon-El, it could never affect her. But the human stuff tasted absolutely disgusting and despite being bullet, bomb and whatever-proof, it _burned_. It felt like flying into the sun, or when she lost her powers and forgot that pans get hot, or on Krypton after her Father mixed the wrong things and there was that explosion. It felt like Rao had been balled up and shoved down her throat. So... it was not fun. So Kara didn't drink.

Well, there's a first time for everything, right?

When Mon-El was around, he drank. Casually, for fun. And Kara knew there was a bottle of ale in her cupboard, next to the cereal. She had pushed it far into the cupboard because it reminded her of him. And she didn't want to think of him. Thinking of Mon-El made everything too small and too fast and it _hurt._

Because she missed him.  
Because he understood.  
And because she feels _guilty_.

Guilty that she sent him away. Probably to his death, possibly not. She sent him hurtling into a vacuum of nothing, of cold and loneliness. She did that, and she told herself it was because she loved him. She loved him, and if he stayed on earth, the lead would kill him. But could she really love Mon-El while wishing it was Lena making pancakes in the morning? Could she love Mon-El, while counting the seconds until her next lunch date with the CEO?  


Kara didn't think so.  
So yeah, she was guilty.  
She had condemned a man to death, whispered into the darkness of her apartment that it was to save him, that this is the right thing to do.  
When she was really getting rid of the man she pretended to love.  
And why? Why _pretend_ to love him?

Because he understood.  
Because he was there.  
Because he was _there._

And that makes everything so, so wrong.

She couldn't be with Lena, because of her own cowardice and fucking stupidity. So she relented to be with the man who tossed away her every word and marched on with his own fucking ideas, damn the consequences. She chose to be with the scion to a slave-owning plant, the prince of a world nothing more than a forced leader and fucking and booze.

She chose that. She wouldn't tell Lena, and she chose to be with Mon-El.

Kara never really liked alcohol. But if she has learnt anything from Alex, its that the bottom of a bottle can solve all your problems. The burning is worth it if forgetting the world is the outcome. The pounding headache and cotton-mouth and scratchy throat... feeling like utter and complete shit is worth it, apparently.  
If forgetting Lena hates her means losing all sense of self for at least a few hours, then it's worth feeling a boiling heat down her throat.

  
Kara landed heavily in her apartment. He clothes, Lena's jumper, were soaked. It had started raining at some point, clearly. Fat drops of water leaked from the soft cotton, pooling in a dark puddle around her. It was dark in the apartment, the lights were off and everything seemed...cold, sad, alone. Kara had barely been in her apartment recently. Passing out, showering, then off to pretend to be human or save a cat from a tree. Some times she ate, mostly she just sipped crappy coffee that didn't work and then left. Left to work at a job she's starting to hate, pretend the world isn't suffocating her, to 'family' that don't have the time of day.

A forced smile, a nod and a quiet "I really am ok" is enough to stave their worried looks, she finds. That or they really do not care.

She walked over to the cupboard, listening to the crack of her shoes against the floor. It was probably barely noticeable, to a human. A noise that would fall into the background, it was inconsequential and got filtered out. But to Kara... it was like a gunshot. Like a bomb right next to her ear, like someone was shaking this entire planet. Its probably what Kenny's body sounded like when it hit the floor, or when Kryptons crust finally split and the core bloomed or-

Kara grabbed the bottle, feeling the cool, smooth glass creak under her too-strong grip. She flicked the lid off and drank, uncaring for the social norm and that shit.

She was right. It did burn like a motherfucker.

But damn, it was strong. The ale, which was a viscous purple liquid, settled heavily in her stomach. It tasted like the sweets Father would sometime buy from the vendor behind the Spiral Towers. Like... home.  


Strange, how earth never felt like home, despite living on the planet for over half he _waking_ life.

Most of her _entire_ life was spent forcibly unconscious in a fucked up region of space that shouts a big 'fuck you' to physics because really, who  _needs_  time?

Kara twisted and looked over her apartment. It was pristine, tidy and neat. If a little dusty, but since she was the only one living there, she didn't care to dust.

She didn't care for many things recently.

Being a journalist just feels like she walking the same path as Clark. At least with Supergirl shes actually saving people. Stopping fires and criminals and what not. It's somewhat helpful. With Catco, she works the hardest she can and is rewarded with James telling her to take some time off, and Snapper yelling himself red at the "absolute left-winged shit," she writes. Kara thought to place a report with HR, but she's inconsequential and Snapper runs an entire damned department. It's not like Kara Danvers matters.  
It's not like Supergirl isn't flying beneath Superman's cape, either. The girly cheerleader cousin everyone sees as well... a _girl._  A kid, barely pulling her weight, causing millions of dollars of damage, and managing to kill hundreds of aliens, Daxamites. Evil aliens hell-bent on conquering and dominating a planet, but they were still people. And she killed them.

She killed them all. An entire species. She killed them  _all._

  
Kara Zor-El doesn't get to exist, Kara Danvers is useless and Supergirl is a murderer.

  
She takes another gulp of the rum, feeling her throat scorch with it.

  
Kara sighs and collapses on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. Well, past the ceiling. Kara likes the stars. Aunt Astra would pull her onto her lap, and stare up at them. Her thin fingers pointing upwards towards the darkness. Kara likes stars but hates space. Space is cold and silent and it fucking sucks, but stars... Stars are bright and good and remind her of Aunt Astra. Before she was a terrorist or a criminal or a murderer. Or dead. The stars remind her of her aunt before her sister shoved a glowing green sword through her heart "in the line of duty".

  
Because apparently, that makes it fucking ok. It doesn't, but Alex was crying and well, she's family.

  
Family that forgets her birthday, because her new shiny relationship is too bright to see other people. Kara knows it petty and dumb to be angry over Alex forgetting her earth birthday because of a date with Maggie, but she barely sees Alex now and shes... mad? Upset? Kara doesn't know, but she misses Alex while also being mad that Alex isn't there. Everything is just fucked.  


Mon-El's gone, Lena hates her, Astra's fucking dead, Clark's an ass, and Alex is forgetting her.  


She takes another drink.

  
Kara can't see the stars anymore, just the off white of her ceiling. It's quiet, too. Before she could hear the cacophony of beating hearts, pumping blood, around her. She could listen to her neighbours taking in air, pushing it back out. The leaky tap four floors down. The cat in the alley two buildings across. The couple having sex two blocks away.  


Alex snoring.  


Winn playing some game, swearing every so often.  


Lena crying.  


Whys Lena crying?

  
Kara takes another drink, relents to the darkness that's been creeping up her vision.  


She's still soaking wet, and should probably change and shower, but who cares?  


No one.  


No one cares about Kara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!  
> I will try to update asap.  
> But I have like.. a lot of homework so...  
> But I will try, I promise!!  
> Have a nice day!
> 
> (And please forgive any spelling/ grammatical mistakes, English is my first language, I'm just a fucking idiot.)  
> ((Oh and next update will probably be a time jump, with concerned family over Kara's behaviour, so look forward to that, you angst loving masochists.))

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it! I am going to try and make this a 3-4 chap (my first multi-chap) but school starts up again soon so.... maybe.  
> Leave a comment for any suggestions and I'll try to incorporate it!  
> I hope you enjoyed and have a good day!


End file.
